Health

Lays to continue to taste like crack

Good news: delicious, heart-attack-inducing salt is here to stay, in the excessive and apocalyptically increasing levels we love.

Harper killed the Sodium Working Group’s recommendations to force food companies to reduce sodium…recommendations that 80% of Canadians supported. Take that, eight million members of 60 selfish, salt-hating organizations who backed the bill, including jerks at the Canadian Medical Association, Canadian Diabetes Association, Canadian Institute of Public Health Inspectors, Canadian Stroke Network, and Dietitians of Canada.

Healthcare now more manly

Harper’s people let the Canada Health Accord expire — a deal to ensure provinces get consistent funding, and have standard goals for wait times, home care, and prescription drugs. He also plans to cut $36 billion in health funding, allowing the next generation of Canadian kids to learn such valuable lessons as “just suck it up, sweetie” and “look we really can’t afford a two-day wait for stitches, could you just glue gun it”.

Sharing is caring

Vancouver runs a safe injection clinic for drug addicts that has earned international recognition for helping to reduce overdoses, deaths, HIV and other diseases. The downside? Now that sharps are being used and disposed of properly, addicts may no longer enjoy the warm, fraternal glow of syringe-sharing. Harper, an old softie, has tried several times to close down the clinic, but the cold-hearted “one needle per person” health nuts (including the Supreme Court, who found the clinic was legit) have prevailedfor now.

Mark your own test

New regulations have allowed corporate food producers to conduct their own safety inspections. (We’re still waiting for an announcement that food producers may also conduct their own CRA audits, police investigations, and pap smears.)

In 2008, a horrified veteran biologist at the Canadian Food Inspection Agency leaked these plans. He was immediately fired. Since then, the listeriosis meat outbreak killed 22 Canadians. Only their deaths, and similar disasters in the US, finally prompted the regulations to be revised.

Anti-bullying campaign for asbestos

Until 2012, Canada was the only developed nation that refused to rein in the use of super-toxic asbestos, taking an admirable stand against the bullying of this innocent — if a tad deadly — resource. (The Harper regime only changed its mind after the nation’s last asbestos mines were exhausted.)

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